Random thoughts of love lost...

I’m on a journey to seek stability. I have learned to operate so well with another person, that I feel as if I have to downgrade to stand alone. I know that stability is indeed possible for one person, but that does not mean that it is optimum.

They say it’s better to have loved than to not have loved at all. I’m not quite convinced that this is true. All the pain associated when love comes to an end is unbearable for me. I truly hate this feeling with all my heart. This is why I have only fallen in love twice in my entire life. The first time ended my freshman year of undergrad, and I swore up and down that I would never put myself through that pain again because it deterred me too far away from what was important – my education. I couldn’t focus in class, I was emotionally unstable, I was weak, and most importantly I was not in control. That was the worst feeling ever…like how is it possible to not be in control of your own body??? So for 4 years I was able to stay away from this thing one calls love, but somehow I managed to fall in it again here recently. I convinced myself that it was okay since I had graduated with my B.S. and had more time to balance. It goes without saying that this love has been lost and I am almost in the same place that I was 5 years ago…but it hurts so much worse L

I like being in control of my body. I am the type of person that can turn my feelings on and off like a switch. I can detach or cut someone out of my life with ease. I am a pro at not becoming emotionally attached and guarding my heart. And I do this because I do not have time for the hurt and the pain and the sleepless nights and the unproductive days and the major setback that has been thrown into my life. One might say that the love that developed throughout the relationship outweighs the hurt and pain at the end, but I am not convinced. This might be true, but the hurt is the last thing that I have to remember, which seems, at that moment, to supersede all else.

I was at the park on Saturday with friends and it was brought to my attention that cancers tend to be very emotional people. When I heard this, I was the first to say that was absurd because I am a cancer and I can desensitize from any and every situation. But the more and more I thought about this, I realized that he might have been right. Maybe I am so sensitive and so emotional that I felt as if I had no choice but to desensitize myself and put up a guard and steer away from love. Maybe this is exactly why I question whether or not it’s better to have loved than to not loved at all. Because when I read, “to not have loved at all,” it means to not have hurt and to not have been unstable and not have been dysfunctional. And when I put that on a scale in comparison to love, "no hurt" tends to win, at least for now. It won’t be for a while until I’m able to sit down and reflect to see that the relationship pushed me further into my career, helped to develop my research thesis topic for my soon to be doctorate, encouraged me to strive for the best and not settle for anything less, supported me on every level when nobody else would, showed me how to love deeply/passionately, and help make me into the intelligent, well-rounded, successful, humble being that I am today. One day I will be able to look at the previous sentence and be appreciative of all that I have gained…but not today unfortunately L The pain today has blinded me from seeing anything else.

The pain I’m in now causes me to take extreme measures to regain control of my body. I am thankful to have very supportive group of friends and family to help me get through this dark place in my life. 

Unfortunately, this lost love has/will inhibit me from allowing myself to fall in love anytime soon. I will take preventative measures to ensure that “love” does not commence. The overload of emotions associated with cancers can be unhealthy if it occurs too often. And quite frankly, that’s just not a risk that I’m willing to take every go round.

Signing off until next time,

Vonda B.