Part of me is afraid of commitment. Every time I turn around, couples are breaking up/husband and wife are getting divorced, and then there are those miserable people trying to "weather the storm" in shitty relationships because they want it to work out…when in reality they need to let go and move on (I know, I know, easier said than done). I honestly don't want to fall into any of these categories, so the screening process is extremely intense when these men "claim" that they have found their other half in me.
I find that the men who have really pursued me thus far are inadequate. At first, I thought that was bourgeois/shallow to say, but it's just honest. I give these men honest chances and they always drop the ball. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time." So with that said, I don't waste time with the elimination process.
And on the other hand, the men that possess the qualities that I would love in a husband seem to never pursue me. Now, I haven't quite figured out why this happens, but I'm definitely going through some self-evaluation and reflection on this matter. However, in any case, I reciprocate the amount of energy put into me. Even if I have fantasized walking down the aisle with this guy, I quickly come back to reality and keep it moving when he's not pursuing me with all of his energy. Simply put, "Men go hard for what they truly want – if he’s not going hard for you, you’re not what he truly wants." Amen, amen. And I know that what God has for me is for me, so I don’t get caught up in the fantasy. Clearly "he" was not for me.
Now, the question of the year…what exactly am I looking for in a husband. I haven't actually attempted to list this in years, but here goes nothing.
- Must possess ambition & goals: complacency is nonexistent in his mind; wants to build a kingdom WITH me – be business partners and start our own company, etc.
- "Head over heels" for me & my biggest supporter: he must be a tad more into me than I am into him. I need to feel secure in the idea of US. This may be a selfish request, but it is what I want *shrugs*. In his mind, there’s nothing more important than making sure I am happy and in a good place (and with that said, I will not the bitchy, needy, bossy, selfish wife that is always unhappy about something)
- No kids: I would love to share the feeling of starting our "first" family together ☺
- A strong relationship with Christ: I am still learning and would love to have a partner that supports and aids my growth/relationship with Christ. "No woman wants to be in submission to a man that isn’t in submission to God." Right now in life I am a very self-sufficient/independent, “strong black woman.” However, I would love to submit to the "right," God-fearing man one day. Until then, I’ll keep on keeping on and handling my business.
- Must be independent/self-sufficient: a job, car, place, no roommates…all are necessities. I don’t want a man that’s going through "the struggle" and trying to make it at this point in his life (a personal preference). And yes, I understand that I may have to be open to older men (30ish), which also means they are more likely to have kids…but I know that what God has for me, is for me. I have all the faith that he will find me in God’s perfect timing ☺
- Must strive to be healthy/workout: I need someone who will motivate me to keep eating healthy/working out by doing the same! When I look back in my past, I seem to always look my worst (be the most unhealthy) when I'm in relationships smh – that's another thing that scares me about commitment. We must inspire one another to be the best we can be, and that applies to all aspects of life, not only our health.
It has taken me quite a while to develop this list, but I’m glad I now know what I want and grateful that I didn't end up in an unsuccessful marriage or have kid(s) out of wedlock. I think it is important to have this foundation before making the big jump into marriage. It may have taken me a little longer to develop this mindset, but better late than never right ;-)
Alright, back to work I go. Just had to put that out there so I can focus on my work. If I think of anything else, I will make edits. In the meantime, I will let go and let God!
FDB
.JPG)
